“Don’t do all that ‘candy floss tones, fluttering eyelashes and footsie playing under the desk over the phone’ with me!

So I looked online to open up an account with A Bank. I was about to call the number when I saw the live chat box and decided to use that to acquire the information I needed. I typed in:

 “Hi, I have recently moved…blah blah blah. I have my social security number, a debit card and a UK driving licence… blah blah blah. Will this suffice… blah blah blah?”

Jeff typed back:

“How are you today… blah blah blah. Welcome to A Happy Bank Full Of Happy Bankers… blah blah blah. We do appreciate you choosing… blah blah blah. We hope… blah blah blah. Lets get you started… blah blah blah.” 

“Stop right there Jeff and don’t get me started! Me and my good lady wife know all about swings and roundabouts, we’ve swung and sped round six of those and half a dozen of the other, we know the loopholes the potholes and the wormholes, so DON’T  Jeff, get me started… blah blah blah.”  

Jeff replied: 

“Sir, (don’t Knight me Jeff!) we at the present time cannot open up an account for you online but if you call or visit…blah blah blah” 

I already knew this and should have told Jeff to sod off and stop wasting my time and I will pop into a local branch which is what I was going to do in the first place JEFF!!! It’s not Jeff’s fault, I know…but then I decided to call the number I was going to call in the first place after my brain wave of:

“Go to the bank in person” 

So I rang.

Now I know we’re all familiar about the dialling options you get when you call a company: Dial 1 for Sales…Dial 2 for Accounts Dial 3 for Murder etc…this bank had 8 options and by the time it got to Dial 8 to hear all of the options again I couldn’t remember if I heard the option that was relevant to my needs so I chose a random 4 (I wanted to Dial 3 but thought I better get my account open before I’m sent to death row for making my ‘Personal Care Assistant Representative’ disappear) I got 5 options bah blah blah blah blah de bloody blah… I swore down the line, not at anyone in particular and not a threatening string of expletives, just two words expressed in a frustrated tone as I held the phone in one hand – like I was handing it back to the seller with a look of “c’mon you knew it was broke” and my head turned to the right in disgust “that rhymed with ‘Truckin Hell’ then I suddenly spoke to a human being with a real voice coming from real vocal chords, like my own but much deeper and coming from West Virginia (I had a sudden pang of embarrassment followed by a minor pang of fear – all calls will be monitored… are they making a case against me? will i see my family and adopted red squirrel again? how many hitmen will i need to hire? but these feelings where quickly overtaken by excitement as he said his name was Josh or Bosh, I’m not sure, I was so excited to speak to a voice I sang down the line:

Hallelujah!”

and Josh Bosh sang back:

“Hallelujah!!”

and all Josh Bosh’s office colleagues sang loud:

“Hallelujah!!!” 

Then we all sang together down the phone about DOB’s and zipcodes, house numbers and passport numbers, loves and losses and did he ever manage to get past the second chapter of – ‘If On A Winters Night A Traveller” by Italo Calvino? – He didn’t! I didn’t! We both cried! And just before the last chorus I stuck in an extra middle 8 which went along the lines of “Oh Josh Bosh And Your Heavenly Choir Of  Champion Companions! I know you are going to tell me to pop into a local branch in person because blah de bloody blah” and Josh Bosh and all his office compatriots sang right back: 

“You bet your sweet Texas Ass you Gotta!!!” 

and the office manager joined in on the line to add :

“Thanks for wasting another hour of your time on the phone… blah de bloody blah! – which is latin for ‘Have A Nice Day!’”

Im off to mow the lawn.

Ps. One ‘Call Care Assistant’ ended her call with:

“You Have A Beautiful One!” I didn’t have enough time to say: 

“A beautiful what!? – Garden!? Holiday!? Ass!?”